Pandemic Humor

[Derald Rice]

I saw this and thought that I would share:

Pandemic Humor​


1..... I was so bored I called Jake from State Farm just to talk to someone. He asked me what I was wearing.

2 ,,,,,2019: Stay away from negative people. 2020: Stay away from positive people.

3 .....The world has turned upside down. Old folks are sneaking out of the house, and their kids are yelling at them to stay indoors!

4.....You think it’s bad now? In 20 years our country will be run by people home schooled by day drinkers…

5.....This virus has done what no woman had been able to do…cancel all sports, shut down all bars, and keep men at home!!!

6.....Do not call the police on suspicious people in your neighborhood! Those are your neighbors wearing old clothes, and without makeup or hair cuts!

7.....Since we can’t eat out, now’s the perfect time to eat better, get fit, and stay healthy. We’re quarantined! Who are we trying to impress? We have snacks, we have sweatpants – I say we use them!

8.....After 7 days at home, the dog is
looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”

9.....Does anyone know if we can take showers yet or should we just keep washing our hands???

10.....I never thought the comment “I wouldn’t touch him/her with a 6 foot pole” would become a national policy, but here we are!

11....Me: Alexa what’s the weather this weekend?
........Alexa: It doesn’t matter – you’re not going anywhere.

12....Can everyone please just follow the government instructions so we can knock out this coronavirus and be done?! I feel like a kindergartner who keeps losing more recess time because one or two kids can’t follow directions.

13....I swear my fridge just said “what the hell do you want now?”

14....When this is over…what meeting do I attend first…Weight Watchers or AA?

15.... Quarantine has turned us into dogs. We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told “no” if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

[Ray]

Here are some I've gathered over the last couple of weeks....

[jwd]

Here are some I've gathered over the last couple of weeks....

That’s some funny stuff guys! Thanks needed that.

[Papa]

My contribution:

• Saw our neighbor out early this morning scraping the “My Kid is a Terrific Student” sticker off her minivan. Guess that first week of homeschooling didn’t go so well.

• I am so proud of myself. I learned how to block phone calls on my phone today ... right after my dang grandkids called to let me know they were out of school for several weeks and wanted to come stay with me.

• No problem dear, when we run out of food we’ll have each other...

• 8 days into our family’s lockdown and I’m starting to question whether the Donner party was even hungry.

• I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with ... she said “must be nice”

• Ran out of toilet paper and now using lettuce leaves. Today was just the tip of the iceberg, tomorrow romaines to be seen.

• Some smart a.. buried a sign in the head lettuce display at Whole Foods in Boulder ... “vegan toilet paper”

[cob427sc]

Great ... just Great!

[Just puttering]

While we are at it ----
126694

[JimLev]

My contribution, got it in my email yesterday.
Everything and more you ever wanted to know about TP

1. The first recorded use of toilet paper was in 6th Century China.

2. By the 14th Century, the Chinese government was mass-producing it.

3. Packaged toilet paper wasn't sold in the United States until 1857.

4. Joseph Gayety, the man who introduced packaged TP to the U.S., had his name printed on every sheet.

5. Global toilet paper demand uses nearly 30,000 trees every day.

6. That's 10 million trees a year.

7. It wasn't until 1935 that a manufacturer was able to promise Splinter-Free Toilet Paper.

8. Seven percent of Americans admit to stealing rolls of toilet paper from hotels.

9. Americans use an average of 8.6 sheets of toilet paper per trip to the bathroom.

10. The average roll has 333 sheets.

11. Historically, what you use to wipe depended on your income level.

12. In the Middle Ages, they used something called a gompf stick, which was just an actual stick used to scrape.

13. Wealthy Romans used wool soaked in rose water, and French royalty used lace.

14. Other things that were used before toilet paper include hay, corn cobs, sticks, stones, sand, moss, hemp, wool, husks,
fruit peels, ferns, sponges, seashells, knotted ropes, and broken pottery (ouch!).

15. 70-75% of the world still doesn't use toilet paper because it is too expensive or there is not sufficient plumbing.

16. In many Western European countries, bidets are seen as more effective and preferable to toilet paper.

17. Colored toilet paper was popular in the U.S. until the 1940s.

18. The reason toilet paper disintegrates so quickly when wet is that the fibers used to make it are very short.

19. On the International Space Station, they still use regular toilet paper, but it has to be sealed in special containers and compressed.

20. During Desert Storm, the U.S. Army used toilet paper to camouflage their tanks.

21. In 1973, Johnny Carson caused a toilet paper shortage. He said as a joke that there was a shortage, which there wasn't, until everyone believed him and ran out to buy up the supply. It took three weeks for some stores to get more stock.

22. There is a contest sponsored by Charmin to design and make wedding dresses out of toilet paper. The winner gets $2,000.

23. There was a toilet paper museum in Wisconsin, The Madison Museum of Bathroom Tissue, but it closed in 2000.

24. The museum once had over 3,000 rolls of TP from places all over the world, including The Guggenheim, Ellis Island, and Graceland.

25. There is still a virtual toilet paper museum called Nobody's Perfect.

26. In 1996, President Clinton passed a Toilet Paper Tax of 6 cents per roll which is still in effect today. Well, that explains a lot!!!

27. The Pentagon uses, on average, 666 rolls of toilet paper per day.

28. The most expensive toilet paper in the world is the Portuguese brand, Renova.

29. Renova is three-ply, perfumed, costs $3 per roll, and comes in several colors including black, red, blue, and green.

30. The CEO of Renova came up with the idea for black toilet paper while he was at a Cirque du Soleil show.

31. Beyonce uses only red Renova toilet paper.

32. Kris Jenner uses only the black Renova toilet paper.

33. If you hang your toilet paper so you can pull it from the bottom, you're considered more intelligent than someone who pulls it from the top. (Wonder how this was determined?)

34. Koji Suzuki, a Japanese horror novelist best known for writing The Ring, had an entire novel printed on a single roll of toilet paper.

35. The novel takes place in a public bathroom, and the entire story runs approximately three feet long.

36. When asked what necessity they would bring to a desert island, 49% of people said toilet paper before food.

37. Queen Elizabeth II wipes her royal bottom with silk handkerchiefs. Wonder if the royal chambermaid gets to wash those?? Yeah, sure wouldn't want that job!

38. Muslims wipe their bums with their bare hand--- always the left hand. They eat with their right hand. If you are caught shop-lifting, your right hand is cut off, forcing you to eat with your poopy left hand. Yeeeechhh!

This history was sent to you using my right hand.

[Papa]

Not COVID specific, but my dog purrs like a cat!


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rwnnhwGpqSk

I thought you all might get a chuckle from it.

[GamexPeev]

Nice, just what we need since we're all locked up at our homes. After this, I need to look for an Innova 3030h https://bestobd2scanners.com/innova/3030-review-check-engine-code-reader/ that I need for my auto shop.