Ray
04-29-2011, 06:15 PM
Claiming your garage and/or shop:
No idea how this happened, but women everywhere have this impression that a garage is used for overnight parking of vehicles that are driven on a daily basis. Perhaps this myth is perpetuated by television, where a person is often shown driving the car into the garage after a day at work. The script writers are obviously delusional. In these fantasy-based shows, the garages are spotless, with color coordinated window treatments and other unspeakable horrors.
Men around the world know the true purpose of the garage. A garage is used to keep the our most promising automotive project out of the weather, pure and simple. "Roadworthy" is a word rarely used to describe the car inside those glorious roll-up doors. Blue tarps are for the less promising projects outside. Silver tarps are used in more upscale neighborhoods, which I define as places that won't allow fences made from shipping pallets.
Conflict is an inevitable result when defining the purpose of the garage. When a project is started, the poor wife's car gets relegated to the driveway. This was done under a bartering system, where the husband said, with a straight face, that the project would be done before too long. Now normally, a man must be true to his word, but this is a subcategory known as a spousal promise. The big promises still stand, such as Love, Honor, Obey and Letting Her Pick The Movie Even If It Stars Rosie O'Donnell. I draw the line at Barbra Streisand, but I'm digressing.
The important premise of a spousal promise is to use vague key phrases such as "Before too long," or "As soon as I can." These are time limits that are hard to quantify. A neophyte husband might choke during the first round of negotiations and state, "I'll have the project done before the weather gets bad." Sure, with that statement, you could maybe get away with October, maybe even November at the latest. No how, no way can you get away with it if your wife is scraping ice from her car in the darkness of a February morning. It doesn't matter where you live. Even if you reside near the Equator, there will be ice on your wife's car windows if she has to park outside because you are still working on the Jeep.
Another problem with the garage is that women expect that the project vehicle will leave under its own power someday. I have heard of this, but this seems to be the rare exception. If this were to happen, could you now park the Jeep outside? Does your wife realistically think this will ever come to pass? The poor husband is in a quandary, as he can't point out how much those NOS oilcloth seat covers cost as he never let her know in the first place.
Now it is possible to convince your ever-patient wife that roadworthy cars don't belong in the garage, but this leads to another problem. With your junk instead of her car out there, the garage becomes a great place for exercise equipment. You cannot ever get rid of this exercise equipment, as that would require your wife to admit the demise of her exercise plan. Some of the newer exercise equipment thoughtfully includes shelves and clothing hooks, so it can at least be used as bedroom furniture. If equipped with a drink holder and a place for the remote, it would work well next to the La-Z-Boy. But with that 1978 Thigh-O-Later out in the garage, well, get used to it. Trust me. No, really, trust me on this one. You can't win. You can stack boxes on it, but don't get it dirty whatever you do.
And how did this happen to you in the first place? You didn't defend your territory. This may sound cruel, but your wife should be somewhat scared to set foot in the garage. Leave a few token things near the door to the house, such as masking tape and a flashlight you'll never see again. If your garage looks like one of those shown on television, she'll be tempted to go out there, mainly to store large, unwieldy items. Remember, if a wife can place an object in the garage, it is now YOUR problem.
Short of Claymore mines and a tripwire around the perimeter, what is a poor husband to do? First and foremost, leave the garage a disheveled mess. I'd like to think I've been proactive (Bingo!) in this area. Pile up a few greasy old transmissions and axles in plain sight, preferably right next to the door from the house. (Cut yourself a hidden trapdoor if needed for easy entrance.) If you don't have any spares, go get some Yugo drivetrain parts from the junkyard. Nobody ever asks for these, so you can get them for a song.
In extreme cases, consider a pet rat for the garage. With a whopping $20 investment from the pet store, you will have the garage all to yourself forever. Feed the little critter a piece of cheese every time you go out there, and he will rush out to meet who ever enters.
Ray
No idea how this happened, but women everywhere have this impression that a garage is used for overnight parking of vehicles that are driven on a daily basis. Perhaps this myth is perpetuated by television, where a person is often shown driving the car into the garage after a day at work. The script writers are obviously delusional. In these fantasy-based shows, the garages are spotless, with color coordinated window treatments and other unspeakable horrors.
Men around the world know the true purpose of the garage. A garage is used to keep the our most promising automotive project out of the weather, pure and simple. "Roadworthy" is a word rarely used to describe the car inside those glorious roll-up doors. Blue tarps are for the less promising projects outside. Silver tarps are used in more upscale neighborhoods, which I define as places that won't allow fences made from shipping pallets.
Conflict is an inevitable result when defining the purpose of the garage. When a project is started, the poor wife's car gets relegated to the driveway. This was done under a bartering system, where the husband said, with a straight face, that the project would be done before too long. Now normally, a man must be true to his word, but this is a subcategory known as a spousal promise. The big promises still stand, such as Love, Honor, Obey and Letting Her Pick The Movie Even If It Stars Rosie O'Donnell. I draw the line at Barbra Streisand, but I'm digressing.
The important premise of a spousal promise is to use vague key phrases such as "Before too long," or "As soon as I can." These are time limits that are hard to quantify. A neophyte husband might choke during the first round of negotiations and state, "I'll have the project done before the weather gets bad." Sure, with that statement, you could maybe get away with October, maybe even November at the latest. No how, no way can you get away with it if your wife is scraping ice from her car in the darkness of a February morning. It doesn't matter where you live. Even if you reside near the Equator, there will be ice on your wife's car windows if she has to park outside because you are still working on the Jeep.
Another problem with the garage is that women expect that the project vehicle will leave under its own power someday. I have heard of this, but this seems to be the rare exception. If this were to happen, could you now park the Jeep outside? Does your wife realistically think this will ever come to pass? The poor husband is in a quandary, as he can't point out how much those NOS oilcloth seat covers cost as he never let her know in the first place.
Now it is possible to convince your ever-patient wife that roadworthy cars don't belong in the garage, but this leads to another problem. With your junk instead of her car out there, the garage becomes a great place for exercise equipment. You cannot ever get rid of this exercise equipment, as that would require your wife to admit the demise of her exercise plan. Some of the newer exercise equipment thoughtfully includes shelves and clothing hooks, so it can at least be used as bedroom furniture. If equipped with a drink holder and a place for the remote, it would work well next to the La-Z-Boy. But with that 1978 Thigh-O-Later out in the garage, well, get used to it. Trust me. No, really, trust me on this one. You can't win. You can stack boxes on it, but don't get it dirty whatever you do.
And how did this happen to you in the first place? You didn't defend your territory. This may sound cruel, but your wife should be somewhat scared to set foot in the garage. Leave a few token things near the door to the house, such as masking tape and a flashlight you'll never see again. If your garage looks like one of those shown on television, she'll be tempted to go out there, mainly to store large, unwieldy items. Remember, if a wife can place an object in the garage, it is now YOUR problem.
Short of Claymore mines and a tripwire around the perimeter, what is a poor husband to do? First and foremost, leave the garage a disheveled mess. I'd like to think I've been proactive (Bingo!) in this area. Pile up a few greasy old transmissions and axles in plain sight, preferably right next to the door from the house. (Cut yourself a hidden trapdoor if needed for easy entrance.) If you don't have any spares, go get some Yugo drivetrain parts from the junkyard. Nobody ever asks for these, so you can get them for a song.
In extreme cases, consider a pet rat for the garage. With a whopping $20 investment from the pet store, you will have the garage all to yourself forever. Feed the little critter a piece of cheese every time you go out there, and he will rush out to meet who ever enters.
Ray